Music Blogs

The inner sanctum of a rock'n'roll band is rarely seen. What goes on beyond the public visage of made-up faces and equally artificial tales of herculean drug taking and monster love making, wonders Famethrowa? At Coldplay HQ, you might like to think that the ancient scriptures, as scrawled in blood 40 years ago by Mick & Keef, were still sacred. Ten commandments of decadent living such as: Rule#1: Lead singer gets first toke on any passing reefer. Rule#2: Lead guitarist reserves the right to vomit in the drummer's pants where necessary.

Sadly, it seems this is not the case. The US TV show "60 Minutes" was recently invited into the band's Hampstead base, where Chris Martin directed presenter Steve Kroft in the direction of a piece of paper pinned on the wall which did indeed outline the golden virtues by which Coldplay live and aspire. "I feel like I've shown you my underpants. This is private stuff...", the singing plant pot assured Kroft, probably unaware that the whole world and not just some American bloke was about to get the inside scoop on his band. Because, happily, the rules are listed below, including grammatical errors, for your consideration:

1. Albums must BE NO LONGER THAN 42 MINUTES

2. PRODUCTION MUST BE AMAZING, RICH, BUT WITH SPACE, NOT OVERLAYERED, LESS TRACKS, MORE QUALITY. GROOVE AND SWING Drums/rhythm are the most crucial thing to concentrate on; diff. between bittersweet and science of silence

3. COMPUTERS ARE INSTRUMENTS. NOT RECORDING AIDS.

4. IMAGERY MUST BE CLASSIC, COLOURFUL AND DIFFERENT. COME BACK IN GLORIOUS TECHNICOLOUR.

5. MAKE SURE VIDEOS AND PICTURES ARE GREAT BEFORE SETTING RELEASE DATE. And highly original.

6. ALWAYS KEEP MYSTERY. Not many interviews

7. GROOVE AND SWING. RHYTHMS AND SOUNDS MUST ALWAYS BE AS ORIGINAL AS POSSIBLE. Once jon has melody, twist it and weird it sonical

8. Promo/review copies to be on VINYL. Stops copying problem, sounds and looks better.

9. Jaqueline sabriado, ns p cc, face forward

10. Think about what to do with charity account. Set up something small but really enabling and constructive.

As regular readers to these pages will know, I'm not here to be sarcastic. Oh no. But one can't help but comment on the daft premise of much of this list, which seems little more than the patently obvious soundbites of a geeky bunch of 6th form teens, hoping to hit the big time. Where is the debauchery?! Particular mention goes to the "ALWAYS KEEP MYSTERY" ruling, which dictates "Not many interviews". How they must be regretting not sticking to that one now. But it's number 7, which insists "ALWAYS BE AS ORIGINAL AS POSSIBLE", that really rings true, as Joe Satriani will surely attest, armed with a multi-million dollar plagiarism lawsuit in his clenched fist. At least we didn't get to see Martin's underpants...